So welcome to 2014, and Happy New Year. As usual, I’ve done my look back at the outgoing year to remind you of what’s been happening over the past twelve months. Well, almost!
President Obama said the greatest danger to society, one that we must avoid at all costs, is the poisonous and hated “fiscal cliff”. Cliff said he was hurt and asked what “fiscal” means anyway.
The whole of the world was rocked when Pope Benedict announced he was to retire, to be replaced by the new Pope Francis. Alex Ferguson was said to be disappointed his application didn’t even lead to an interview. He blamed the referee and announced he’ll retire too.
David Miliband resigned as an MP and left his brother as head of the Labour Party. He took a job in New York and now works for the International Rescue charity. Virgil and Scott Tracy say they don’t need another wooden brother, but Miliband says it’s time to cut the strings.
Boris Johnson finally admitted he wants to be Prime Minister. Pollsters quickly calculated that if all his various children vote for him he will not only become Prime Minister of the UK but also President of America, Prime Minister of Canada, Governor of Honk Kong, and ruler of North Korea.
In San Jose, IBM researchers released A Boy And His Atom, the smallest movie ever made, which was created by manipulating individual carbon monoxide molecules with a scanning microscope. Tom Cruise wore lifts for the title role.
Hollywood star Michael Douglas told reporters his throat cancer was caused by a germ he picked up during oral sex with the one he loves the most. Catherine Zeta Jones wondered how he could be double jointed without her knowing.
An unknown book called The Cuckoo’s Calling rocketed to the top of the best sellers list after it was shown to have been written by JK Rowling. Jeffrey Archer started a rumour that his new book was actually written by Shakespeare. Seismic ground tremors in England were initially put down to fracking, but later confirmed as Shakespeare turning in his grave.
Simon Cowell announced that he is to become a father for the first time. The helpless tiny mite will, of course, have an army of nannies dressing and feeding it while putting up with tantrums as they wipe its bottom. But enough about Simon.
A third instalment of Bridget Jones’ diary was published and it saw Bridget now widowed, with Mr Darcy having been killed off. In the same month Sir Alex Ferguson published his own diaries with the reputations of Wayne Rooney, Roy Keane and many others killed off too.
Another former Radio One DJ was arrested for historic sex offences. Other DJs came forward to claim they’ve had historic sex too.
TVs Mr Grumpy, 75 year old David Dimbleby, revealed he’s had a tattoo of a scorpion inked on his shoulder. The public expressed their disgust at such a grotesque attachment and advised the scorpion to get rid of him immediately.
The Monty Python team announced a reunion, with the guys saying they will get together on stage for the first time in over 100 years. They acknowledged that ticket sales had given them all a lift – a Stenna stair lift in fact. Critics are expected to pan the cast and pan the show, but the cast will bring their own pans in case of little accidents.
Let’s see what 2014 brings. I wish you a very Happy New Year.