Don't Look Back In Anger

As always, with a new year starting, it’s time to look back over the year gone by. It was twelve months of Olympic and Paralympic fun, the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, more Bank scandals and tax evaders. But how much of these other, smaller stories, do you remember? I may have put my own twist on them of course.

January

TV chef Antony Worral–Thompson was caught stealing cheese and wine from Tesco and was arrested by police. He later told friends he was lucky to escape with a caution..... and a nice camembert, a cheeky little Beaujolais and a tube of cheese and onion Pringles.

February

The Oscars was dominated by silent film The Artist, with Uggie the tiny dog cited as the real star. A sequel was cancelled after Uggie barked his retirement, but producers hope to revive the project after finding a similar sized star to take his place. Tom Cruise is said to be delighted at being offered the role.

March

Rebekah Brooks, editor of The News Of The World, was arrested on charges of allowing phone hacking. The give away to police was her voice mail message which said “Hi this is Rebekah. Please leave any messages on your own voice mail and I’ll get them later”.

April

The term “mummy porn” was born following the million selling book Shades Of Grey being released. After a slow warm up, women were soon asking book shops “is it in yet?”. Sales began to climax and then wane after readers commented that it left them unfulfilled and expecting more. Most women said they preferred their battery driven Kindles instead.

May

Britain’s Got Talent was won by a performing dog named Pudsey who was asked to appear in The Artist sequel movie till Tom Cruise’s agent complained that his star had got there first. And, anyway, he’d been buying expensive lifts for his shoes in order to play the part.

June

The BBC was slated for its “amateurish, childish presenters” and “lousy content” with the comments that “this was an all time low”. Surprisingly it wasn’t The One Show but their coverage of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. They pledged to take their role more seriously and immediately appointed Fearne Cotton as Editor of Newsnight, Count Dracula as Head Of Daytime, Thomas The Tank Engine as Director General, and Bruce Forsyth as host of Strictly Come Dancing.

July

Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise citing his unreasonable behaviour – she’d had enough of him jumping on the furniture, burying bones in the garden and sniffing other people’s bottoms. The Olympics opened in London with The Queen parachuting from a plane while appearing to hold a corgi. Tom Cruise said he enjoyed the jump.

August

As the Olympics ended, Prince Harry was photographed naked alongside a nude girl at a strip poker game in Las Vegas showing his personal best. As photos were partly censored, readers were left to guess whether the royal embarrassment was King sized or Queen sized, or just too small to Count. Odds on his Royal Succession being damaged were short. Or maybe long.

September

Long lens photos of Kate Middleton, showing her sunbathing topless, appeared in newspapers making the Queen the only Royal not to have been seen naked recently. In an effort to spare Kate’s blushes, William bought up hundreds of copies. In an effort to decorate his bedroom, Prince Harry did the same.

October

Like Prince Harry, Lance Armstrong was stripped but , this time, it was his Tour de France titles he lost after positive doping results proved his unique speed came from, well, Speed. His agent said it was a Blow and he was in a Fix, but that he hoped to have another Crack at it one day. Lance thanked his friend Charlie for support.

November

Amen or Awomen? The Church Of England voted, finally, against allowing the consecration of female bishops. This ensures a continuing tradition in the Church of only men being allowed to wear silly hats, frills, huge rings and long frocks.

December

As the whereabouts of Prince Harry remain clouded in secrecy after his naked romps in August, The Duchess Of Cambridge, Jessica Simpson, Eva Herzigova, Peaches Geldof, Lara Stone, Sophie Dahl, Lilly Allen, Fearne Cotton and Shakira all announced that they are pregnant. The Prince was unavailable for comment. Happy New Year to you all.