Don't Look Back In Anger

As 2011 starts full of promise and hopes, it’s time to look back on 2010 and, as always, my own take on the year’s events.

January
Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced full body scanners for British airports. As he was the first “customer” to try the new device, it was finally confirmed that everyone

could see through him, though he’s a bit fuzzy, lightweight and clearly has nothing of value.

February
Chelsea FC refused to discuss their married captain John Terry’s infidelity after he admitted showing his little Wiki to an underwear model, Vanessa Perroncel, prior to playing away from home. She later sold her story detailing Terry’s weak tackle and dribbling skill. His dribbling led to the new phrase “Wiki Leaks”.

March

Following the death of their president, Poland declared a week of mourning. Property speculators in Wimbledon, Hampstead and Chelsea declared a week of mourning also as the building and plumbing industry ground to a halt.

April
An ash cloud from an Icelandic volcano stopped flights all over Europe and brought airports to a standstill. Within ten days Gatwick, Glasgow and Manchester airports were moving again, while Heathrow announced that they hoped to start operating again sometime in 2014.

May

Everyone became very excited when it was announced that the General Election in Britain had ended with a Hung Parliament. Months later everyone was very disappointed when it was discovered that members of Parliament hadn’t actually been hung.

June
Italian Fabio Capello failed miserably as England coach during the world cup when his team were humiliated by Germany. Scottish football fans have now nicknamed him the Tally Ho, Ho, Ho.

July
Cheryl Cole collapses and is rushed to hospital with malaria (mal-aria being Latin for bad singing). After repeated tests she is discharged and vacates her hospital bed. Husband Ashley says it’s not the first time she’s given up her bed for others.

August
Tony Blair announced he was donating all profits from his newly published memoirs to the Royal British Legion. The Legion gratefully spent all the money on a pencil and a fun sized Snicker bar.

September
Young David Miliband lost the leadership battle for the Labour Party after being beaten by his even younger brother Ed. In retaliation David hid Ed’s homework, put spiders in his bed, wiped his bottom with Ed’s school cap and told reporters that he wets the bed.

October
33 Chilean miners were released after spending 68 days cut off from the world, hundreds of feet underground, in a collapsed mine. The newly freed men were told that Piers Morgan had asked to do an interview with them and immediately asked to go back underground.

November
Prince William announced he is getting married next year to his girlfriend Kate Middleton. In his congratulatory email to Kate, John Terry wished her all the best and asked for her ‘phone number.

December
Prince Charles and The Duchess Of Cornwall are pictured looking scared after demonstrators surround their car. The nation is angry and upset with quotes like “typical students” and “can’t get anything right” bandied around after it’s announced the couple were unhurt.

Here’s to a great new year for you all, full of good health and good love in 2011.

Happy New Year.

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